


there'll be happiness after you (but there was happiness because of you)

by The_Bisexual_From_Hell



Series: baby, you turn to ashes [1]
Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I wrote it in a fit of grief and with tears in my eyes, I'm Sorry, It's Vic processing Lucas' death, This kinda turned into a love letter for their friendship, Travis is there for her, Why Did I Write This?, mentions of vomit, post 2x15, why did the writers do this to us
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28007385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Bisexual_From_Hell/pseuds/The_Bisexual_From_Hell
Summary: Vic wants nothing more than to lay down and cry so hard maybe she won’t wake up in the morning, but the bed smells like him, his side of the bed is exactly how he had left it. She can’t bring herself to touch any of it. Because if she disturbs any of it, then it's no longer their bed, it's just going to be hers, and he’ll be erased.orVictoria mourns, and she lives.
Relationships: Victoria Hughes & Travis Montgomery, Victoria Hughes/Lucas Ripley
Series: baby, you turn to ashes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051307
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	there'll be happiness after you (but there was happiness because of you)

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from happiness by Taylor swift and the entire work has been influenced by other vicley fanfic I've been reading, so my apologies if you see a concept similar to what others have written. Recently I binge-watched Station 19 to dull the Grey’s Anatomy ache, and despite knowing Ripley was going to die before starting it, it crushed my heart, I probably cried as much as I cried with Mark Sloan.
> 
> English isn't my first language and my only beta is Grammarly, sorry for any mistakes.

Victoria always wanted to understand Travis, to understand what he was feeling, so she could be there for him, he’s her best friend. 

Now the love of her life is dead, she gets Travis and she wished she didn’t. She wishes Lucas was here, they could get married, they would be happy. She wouldn’t have a gaping Fire Chief sized hole in her heart.

She has no idea how she gets home that first night after Lucas dies, probably Travis, since she can hear him in the kitchen.

Vic wants nothing more than to lay down and cry so hard maybe she won’t wake up in the morning, but the bed smells like him, his side of the bed is exactly how he had left it. She can’t bring herself to touch any of it. Because if she disturbs any of it, then it's no longer their bed, it's just going to be hers, and he’ll be erased. 

Yesterday she was young and in love. Today she is an almost widow. 

She’s a firefighter, she knows what she’s risking every day, she knows what her team risked every day. She never thought it could all come crashing down so fast, her life is crumbling and she’s caught under the rubble with no way out. 

Her knees give out on her, and she’s sobbing on the floor. She’s crying for the little time she had with him, for all the time they could have had. 

Strong arms wrap around her and hold her like the world is ending, her world feels like it's ending anyway. She has never been more grateful for Travis, he was the only thing holding her together at the moment, she knew now more than ever, that he was her person, her best friend, they had both lost the love of their lives, they couldn’t lose each other too. 

“How am I supposed to do this?” Vic’s words come out in between sobs. 

“One day at a time, Vic, one day at a time” Travis’ heartaches, he’s been here before, when he was the one that was losing the most important person in his life,  _ Michael, baby, I’m gonna need your help here, she’s gonna need your help here  _ he thinks. He wonders if Vic will talk to Ripley the same way he talks to Michael if she will tuck him so close to her heart that her every thought has him in the backburner as he did for Michael. 

“Grief is like a briefcase that you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life, there's no getting rid of it.” He’s not particularly good at metaphors, but he’ll try for her. “At first, when you’re getting used to it, it weighs a lot, you feel like you can’t take it, that it's going to take you down, and it might —”

“Gee thanks, that sounds great.” The sarcasm in her words as clear as day, it makes Travis smile, even now, she’s still the same Vic. 

“ —for a while. Eventually, it gets easier, you learn to live with it, it becomes something so normal you don’t realize it’s sometimes. Some days will be harder than others, some days it will weigh less, and there’s nothing you can do about it, but those days get further and further apart.” 

She curls further into him, seeking comfort. Her crying only gets harder, she has no idea how many tears she has left to cry, maybe it’s an endless sea of hollow grief. Vic remembers reading somewhere that tears caused by different things look nothing alike under the microscope, she wonders if a scientist were to take her tears and look at them under a microscope, would they show she just lost the love of her life? Would they show she has never been in as much pain before?

“You’re going to be okay, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met” When Michael died, Travis’ had no one to hold him, he was alone, he was going to make sure Vic never goes through it alone. 

The first time it happens (it certainly won’t be the last) she doesn’t see it coming, she sobbing in on the floor only being held up by Travis’ arms, she crying so hard she can’t breathe, she can’t see, she can only feel the pain and the cold biting emptiness. She can’t stop it, her next sob comes accompanied by vomit, and it won't stop coming out.

Turns out crying and violently vomiting isn’t the best because soon enough they are both covered in vomit and she is choking. Travis is patting her on the back, she’s coughing and she thinks to herself  _ is this how I die? In my best friend’s arms crying over my dead fiancé? Maybe I’ll see Lucas again.  _ She stops coughing, of course, a part of her wishes she hadn’t. 

“I’m sorry,” She can’t talk properly, she doesn’t think she’ll ever stop crying. “I’m sorry Travis I —”

“It’s alright, you’re alright,” Travis’ softly, as if speaking any louder would cause her to start choking again. “It’s just a little puke, a little puke never hurt anyone, let’s just get you cleaned up.” 

They don’t talk on the way to the bathroom or in the shower. For the millionth time that day, Victoria feels grateful she has Travis, he’ll hold her hand through anything, he’ll take her where she needs to be, he’ll keep her from falling apart for now. She can’t imagine doing this without him, and she wonders how the hell he went through this without anyone. 

Maybe, just maybe, the universe has a sick sense of humor. The universe took Michael away right from Travis and put her in his life two weeks later, then the universe gave her Lucas and took him away, but she had Travis. Perhaps that’s what she and Travis are to each other, a gift, an apology from the universe for taking the loves of their lives away. 

Lucas Ripley was the love of her life, no doubt in her mind about it. She loves—he’s dead, she doesn’t know where to put all the love she has for him, but she loves him present tense— him with all of her heart.

Travis Montgomery is her soulmate. He holds a piece of her heart, and she holds a piece of his. 

There are little pieces of Lucas all over and every time she sees them, it feels like the knife that now resides in her heart, twists and pushes in a little bit further. His is shampoo in the shower, his toothbrush on the sink, his towel on the rack, his razors on the counter. For a second, it makes her believe that he’s coming home, that this is all just one terrible nightmare she’s going to wake up from when he gets home after a long shift and crawls into bed with her. 

But that’s all a childish wish and she’s alone. 

The happiest months of her life were with him, he was so good, and he made her laugh and he made her feel like she was the only thing that mattered in the whole universe.  _ It’s kind of embarrassing the amount of voicemails I’ve left you, I hope at least they make you laugh, see you soon eggy.  _ She had listened to all of them and kept them all. A final piece of Lucas Ripley. 

“He said yes you know? He told me he wanted to marry me, that he was glad that he got to spend the rest of his life with me.” She hadn’t spoken a word of what had happened in the room with him. 

“I’m sorry you had to join the club.” People say they are sorry, and they offer you empty condolences all the time, Travis’ feel genuine, even if Victoria is confused. 

“The club?” her voice is dry and her throat is raw. 

“The dead spouse club. Captain Sullivan and I are sorry you have a membership for life now.” He’s not trying to lighten their mood, but he hates when people treated him like he was made out of glass after Michael died. Everyone has done that, except for her, so he’ll return the favor. 

“He wasn’t, he wasn’t my husband, on paper I’m nothing to him” She’s angry, she’s so angry, at the universe, at Dr. Pierce, at Lucas, at herself. She was robbed, she didn’t get to get married, she doesn’t get a ring to remember him by and touch when she wants to feel near him. She gets nothing. 

“I know, and I’m sorry you didn’t get a wedding, but you were, you were married in the ways that count, you loved each other in sickness and in health, till death did you part. He wanted to be married to you, you wanted to be married to him. He’s dead, you qualify for the dead spouse club” 

“Okay, when are the meetings? Do I need to bring food? Alcohol?” She’s trying to see a way out of the dark. 

“Will you tell me about him?” He used to tell her about Michael, it was nice telling someone that didn’t know Michael. Travis knew Chief Ripley, but he didn’t know Lucas. 

_ I’m a little teapot  _

_ Short and stout _

_ Here is my handle  _

_ Here is my spout _

_ When I get all steamed up  _

_ Hear me shout  _

_ Tip me over and pour me out  _

“Okay.” 

And so she does. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, hope you liked it even if it was sad. Not that I planned it, because I really didn’t plan it, but it’s also a small love letter to Travis and Vic’s friendship because those two deserve the world. 
> 
> I'm planning on writing a Vicley ghost au based on Marjorie by Talor Swift so common below if that's something you’d be interested in. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @DXNYARYA for more Station 19/Grey’s Anatomy and other wacky stuff.
> 
> Please leave a comment or a kudos it would make me the happiest person alive.


End file.
